Words of the Mad

There’s work that I don’t feel like doing, and I’m not really doing. Well, it’s half-done, or a quarter-done. Whatever. I’m just so sick and tired of doing something that wouldn’t garner any sense of accomplishment. It’s hard to get down to do something when you know there’s no form of reward waiting. I do not need anything physical, but if I can’t even feel that I’ve upped my self-worth, then what’s the point of it all?

Weekends are passing too quickly. I’m not getting enough sleep and I feel absolutely lethargic at work. I have a colleague who seem to be able to sense it and I can tell that she feels helpless about, erm, my helplessness of not getting enough sleep. I appreciate it though. It is always a nice feeling to get some kind of understanding from another.

I’m very dependent on my morning alarm to wake me up these days. I’m totally unconscious throughout the night and it feels really, really horrible when the alarm sounds and disrupts my daily recovery of energy. I just wish I could sleep on, and on, and on…

PLEASE! LET SOME WITCH TURN ME INTO SLEEPING BEAUTY!!

Wait a minute, it’s not a witch, it’s an unpopular fairy, or was it an evil fairy? Oh and it’s “Sleeping Ugly” for that matter, since I’m talking about me, me, and me. Urgh! I don’t know if my yoga is helping me to lose any weight. Need to get that damn weighing machine. I think I’m eating too well and too much. Can’t possibly lose much weight. Oh no! Just don’t let me gain any!!!

I better get back to work. I have start being a responsible adult (the 2 evil words!). Which reminds me of a conversation between me and that silly chairwoman, “What are you working as in your department? Oh, don’t you need to be very serious in doing this job? How come I see you like not very serious? *giggles*”

I. Could. Only. Smile. Silly-ly.

Just because I don’t look very interested during meetings, or gave a rather sloppy work that you’ve asked me to do (though I did try my best to do it properly), or did things very slowly, doesn’t mean I’m NOT serious. I’m not even frivolous or talking crap during meetings or something. Wonder if she understood the meaning of “serious”. Tsk!

Just another 6 months and I’ll complete my National Service. Future seems bleak, but I’m not too concerned about that right now. That’s just me; one step at a time.

Currently going thru a tiring phase at work. Was forced to join a team to plan an organisational event (note: organisational, not departmental) that DOESN’T DIRECTLY concern my department. But well, since my department is PART of the organisation, we’ll need to send in a representative to help, and THAT’S ME!!!!!! *frown*

What I don’t understand is, why do my department send me, a temporary staff (who’s leaving in August), to be involved in an organisational event that I’ll never need to be concerned about? It doesn’t make any sense! I wish they could just let me stay in peace for my remaining time here. The fortunate thing is this event will end in early April and hopefully I’ll be able to lie low for for the later 4 months.

It doesn’t help that public holidays are non-existent since Chinese New Year and it’ll be a really dry spell until April. Weekends seem to have been taken up recently, which is pretty odd considering I’m usually a “homely” person (and most of the time, out of cash). It’s really hard to get me out of the house unless:

1. It’s really, really convenient, i.e. near to my place or I happen to be on the way from somewhere else;

2. I have no choice, i.e. running out of necessities, impt event cannot be missed (weddings, bday parties).

I really don’t know where I’m drawing my energy from. Perhaps my yoga lessons are paying off, but I still feel really tired and groggy at work, often sleepy. Not to mention I hadn’t been sleeping well for the past 2 weeks. I might be stressed out subconciously, but I refuse to believe so because some of my colleagues look pretty fine despite having a heavier workload. Am I that easily exhausted, mentally?

I can’t imagine how I’ll be able to cope with these when I step out to work 6 months from now. It’ll definitely be more energy-taxing and demanding compared to government service. I have no qualms about my work attitude (and I have to add that I’m damn good when I put my heart and mind to work) but I’ve no idea how to deal with my weak mental constitution.

I can only hope for things to get better. If only there’s an instant relief for my persistent headaches, other than taking a shower (can’t possibly take THAT many showers a day). This reminds me of a saying, “when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up”.

Erm, ok. I’ve no idea where that came from. -.-”